This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂