My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
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Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?