Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
How all things should be taught/explained.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.