I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.