Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!