Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’ve had worse
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David