4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*