We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.