I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
🤣🤣💀
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Every house has this drawer
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Flock of bats
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.