it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Breaking news:
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that