My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
boat question
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so