If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.