I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
This is a whole mood;
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.