Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile