wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
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I’m already scared
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.