Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
plums roundup
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.