* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.