impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.