“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.