Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
the noise i just made
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.