Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.