No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
You Might Also Like
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time