We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My therapist after every session
The French cow says MEUX…
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.