hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all