When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds