Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Anyone really
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.