IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
#merica
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.