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I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.