in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
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“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I had to Stop for this