Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Just as the prophecy foretold
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
🙁
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.