Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
This probably isn’t good
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”