Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
What
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”