The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
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[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.