Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?