If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
What the hell is going on?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die