[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids