If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.