Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?