Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.