You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.