*power walks to the refrigerator*
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.