When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go