dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.