Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I only say stupid things when I talk.