melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me