The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”