8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.