“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I saw this ending much differently.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
men are simple creatures
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.