Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
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Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out