The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.